Geese are the bane of humanity’s existence. To prove this I’m going to be going over just how vicious these terrible animals are. They have no care for who you are or what you do, they will attack regardless. Some geese will flee, but those that decide to attack will do so mercilessly and will destroy you. Whether you agree or disagree, keep reading because I’m sure I’ll convince you by the end of this lovely article.

One article from lifehacker.com says that you won’t win if you fight a goose. It gives a pretty terrifying statistic that 117 people were injured from Canadian geese in 1990-2015. This statistic sends a chill through my bones, and it should send a chill down yours, too. Imagine walking around, you’re having a pleasant stroll, the sun is out, and your mood is good. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere a goose decides that you are too close to its nest, and it needs to defend itself. Boom, your day has gone south as the goose has ruined your perfectly good day by attacking you. A goose attack is no trivial thing by the way, geese are able to fight, and oh boy will they. However, do not fret, dear reader, as they can be evaded. Not by running, though, as geese can run up to 20-30 miles per hour, much faster than a human. The way to truly stop them from attacking is to assert your dominance as a bigger threat than them. That won’t be true, of course, but you can fake it.

These terrifying beasts pack more than just some impressive stats. They also have the wonderful feature of a tongue with teeth. This adds an entire other layer of intimidation: as you see something that seems like it’s screaming at you with a tongue of teeth, you will feel nothing but pure fear in your veins. To add onto this effect of fear that geese will chill your bones with, they also will stretch their neck full length, throw their head back, and menacingly peer at you through one of their eyes. Another thing that adds to their stats is how muscular these birds actually are; they can flap hard and have lots of muscle… everywhere, really.

All of this talk about how terrifying geese are may scare you too much; do not fret, though, for there are ways to prevent these attacks from happening. For these, I will draw directly from the wikihow article. Possibly the best way to not be attacked is to notice when a goose is ready to attack you and leave before it can happen. This will make sure that you can safely get away and prevent the attack altogether. Another important thing to note is to not attack the goose at all. If this article hasn’t convinced you already that you won’t win against a goose, then I will directly tell you again: DO NOT FIGHT THE GOOSE. Escalating the fight will only lead to your demise. A lullaby won’t work either, though, so if it attacks you can either accept your fate or maybe pray you can out-maneuver it.